Your Words To Your Husband…Matter
by: Saleama A. Ruvalcaba, MATS
The world we are living in today is not good, in case you haven’t notice. As a wife, believe it or not, we play a vital role in helping our husbands become godly men who can impact this world.
One day Omar was in the process of apologizing about something. If I am being totally honest, while I was sitting there, I saw his mouth moving, but I wasn’t listening to him. I was waiting for him to stop talking so I could start screaming at him for whatever he was trying to sincerely apologize about. However, it was then the Holy Spirit stopped me. I was quickly prompted by the Holy Spirit to accept Omar’s apology and move on.
How often are we so ready to chew out our spouse for their behavior, even as they apologize, yet we quickly forget all the wrongdoing on our part?
That was me in that moment, but the Holy Spirit quickly reminded me of my horrible temper and mouth I once had toward Omar. Most of you who know me won’t believe how I spoke to Omar years ago. But you see, that’s the glory of God. When we are not walking with Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, we are capable of anything. Even as Christians, if we do not allow Him to heal our deep wounds we can still hurt others so don’t be surprised by my behavior, instead, praise God for His goodness to change us from the inside out.
Psalm 30:2 “O LORD my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me.”
Do Not Ignore Your Soul
This is a subject that shouldn’t be taken lightly. In this very short blog post the severity of verbal abuse cannot be addressed at length here, but this is a good starting point to realize that the way we treat our husbands will have a negative impact on our lives and the lives of our children. Emotional abuse committed by either a husband or wife, has a root cause which should not be ignored.
In The Rejection Syndrome, a book by Charles R. Solomon, he says, when children do not receive the love and care they need as children, they have not yet found their identity because they do not know what to do in order to receive love. They either keep their emotions bottled up or they act out in rage. (Paraphrase) In my case, I did not receive love and nurturing as a child from anyone. I simply grew up not knowing who I was and not knowing who truly loved me. For me I kept my emotions bottled up – until I met Omar.
The moment Omar said anything to me that I did not like I exploded in anger.
In The Angry Christian, a book by Andrew D. Lester, he says “The capacity for anger is only agitated or triggered by a situation considered dangerous or threatening.” I’ve never been in a dangerous situation in my marriage to Omar, but early on, because I did not grow up with any stability, whenever Omar was displeased about something, I considered it a threat to my stability. In other words, I was afraid he might leave me. So it made perfect sense for me to verbally abuse him, right?
That made no sense, but unless we learn how to dig deep within our souls and allow Jesus Christ inside, we can ruin the one meaningful relationship God has blessed us with.
Psalm 142:7 “Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name! The righteous will surround me, for you will deal bountiful with me.”
Yes, I was dealing with some deep-rooted issues. I had a lot of pain to address. The deep pain I was experiencing was no excuse, however. I was not helping our marriage by belittling Omar. When you speak discouraging words to your husband, it does not help build him up as man. If you talk to your husband like he’s a loser, he probably won’t amount to much so do not be surprised when your hurtful words finally come to pass in his life.
James 3:10 “From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not be so.”
Have you ever heard someone say, “If you treat him like an animal, that’s exactly how he will behave!”
I had tremendous pain, but my pain and the pain I was inflicting on Omar did nothing to help our marriage. It did nothing to help build him up as a man. I had to seek God to make a change inside of me. In turn, the power of my encouraging words helped to change Omar’s life too.
In The 4 Seasons of Marriage, Dr. Gary Chapman says, We all have areas where we lack courage and are insecure, which can hinder us from accomplishing positive things that we’d like to do. Your husband awaits your encouraging words (Paraphrase)
Joy in Helping Your Husband Succeed
Your encouraging words can help your husband succeed. Omar is a great husband today through my prayers and encouraging words to him. He is a great father through my prayers and encouraging words to him. Omar has seen his dream come true as a football coach through my prayers and encouraging words to him. Early in our marriage I did not know how to encourage him. I had little patience with his wishy-washy college adventures. Plus as the sole provider of our family, he had to make certain choices, finish school or get a good paying job to support our family.
In August 2015 he tried going back to school again. I wish I could tell you it’s been an easy peasy lemon squeezy three years. It has not been. We have endured one financial hiccup after the other. It’s been scary. We are worried some months. We have no idea how we are going to make it. Under that type of stress it would be easy for me to put tremendous pressure on Omar and belittle him. However, I am now the daughter of the King, who will not allow my inner turmoil to torment my husband. I have encouraged and prayed for Omar for three years. He has maintained a stellar GPA. Omar is a forty something married man, with five children to raise, and we’ve had a huge battle to fight in our finances, but I would not allow him to give up – and he did it! He has accomplished a twenty-year goal!
What if I mistreated him during this time?
What if I yelled at him daily because of my fears?
He more than likely would have given up the idea of ever finishing school.
Do you want to see your husband succeed in life?
Do you want to encourage your husband?
Do you want to speak loving kind words to your husband?
First, seek God and allow Him to heal your inner soul. Get to the bottom of what is causing your pain. Then together seek God for forgiveness for mistreating each other. Allow Jesus Christ to walk alongside you as you seek His guidance. You may need to go to Biblical counseling for a while – which is okay. I had to go to Biblical counseling for a while and I am very grateful I did.
You and your spouse can also seek Biblical counseling together.
Verbal abuse is not okay. You are hurting yourself, your husband, and your children.
God does not want you in bondage, ladies.
The home is the foundation for salvation.
Allow God to heal you.
Allow the goodness of His love to bring your marriage into a new stage – a summer stage of happiness.
Thank God for your life and the life of your husband. Speak life!
This world right now is divided with everyone blaming someone else. Do better than that. Look at yourself and ask God to change you. When you change people around you will be inspired to change. When you uplift your husband you are helping this world become better. We need strong godly men. Speak life to your husband.
Let the words that come out of your mouth be pleasing to the Lord.
~ Saleama A. Ruvalcaba, MATS