Saleama A. Ruvalcaba

Your Unstable Emotions Will Ruin Your Marriage

Inner Healing Cannot Be Ignored

by: Saleama A. Ruvalcaba, MATS 

Marriage Series

The afternoon of my wedding anniversary I found myself sitting inside a counseling office waiting to be seen. I had waited long enough to deal with a lot of the personal issues plaguing me. It was not my intent to make the appointment on my anniversary. It was the only available appointment they had – or my choice was to wait a month.

I could not wait a month.

Whatever was wrong with me I had to finally deal with. I had become a walking nightmare inside my home.

Inside Out 

I was talking with my editor friend. We were talking about my writing and about marriage and how physical intimacy is extremely important in marriage and how it can change the dynamics within our marriage. She told me it’s very important to let my readers know how and why physical intimacy changed the dynamics in my own marriage.

Obviously, simply having more sex did not change my marriage. There was physical intimacy because we had children.

Learning how to deal with my inner emotions helped our physical intimacy – and our marriage change.

When couples meet for the first time, they learn who the other person is. Some couples enter relationships carrying a lot of baggage (raising my hand). If we’re not careful, we might assume physical intimacy itself can heal our emotions – when in fact it cannot.

Humans were created with emotions. It’s okay to be angry, sad, scared, and fearful. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t express these emotions at times. However, we need to learn how to express our emotions in a non destructive way.

Peter Scazzero, pastor of New Life Fellowship, in Queens, NY, says in his book, Emotionally Healthy Spiritually, (paraphrase), we are walking around hallow with empty smiles on our faces until we deal with our emotional health. Scazzero shares very personal stories about his emotional struggles even as he pastored his thriving mega-church. He says; “I had ignored the “emotional component” in my seeking of God for seventeen years. It didn’t matter how many books I read, seminars I attended on physical, social, intellectual or spiritual needs. It did not matter how many years passed, seventeen or thirty. I would remain an emotional infant until my (emotions) were exposed and transformed through Jesus Christ.”

Scazzero continues; “When I discovered the link between emotional and spiritual health, a revolution began. The revolution transformed my personal journey with Christ, my marriage, parenting, and ultimately, New Life Fellowship where I pastor.”

Proverbs 5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.”

It’s easy to say; “God you are Lord over my life” but it’s another thing to truly give all of your life over to God. Your inner healing is ALL of your life that God wants to be part of.

Have you ever heard someone say; “Hurting people hurt people?” Yes, I was a Christian, going to church, in Bible College, serving in ministries, but I still had unresolved pain I had to deal with. I hurt the people who loved me – deeply. 

Come Inside My World 

My parents divorced when I was baby. We moved a lot (not for good reasons) but for crazy domestic family reasons. When I was in the first grade I attended two different elementary schools; one in New Jersey, and one in New Orleans. When I was in the second grade I attended three different elementary schools; two different schools in New Orleans and one in California. I stayed in that school until fourth grade. I then went to a different school, in a different city, in fifth grade. I then went to a different school, in a different city, in sixth grade. If that wasn’t enough, we also lived in extreme poverty. We lived in roach infested homes. I would come home from school on a Friday afternoon and find we had no running water. We would live in our house all weekend without the use of water. I did not participate in social activities such as ballet, music, or sports which can help build confidence in children. I did not live in a loving caring home. I had little parental nurturing. I barely graduated high school. I was spelling at a fourth-grade level at twenty-one years old. I was very shy and unsure of myself. I never had close friends, and so I had a lot of trust issues.

When I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at thirty-one, that pain did not erase overnight. I had to deal with it. My well-being, my marriage, and children depended on it.

If you do not allow Jesus Christ to transform you from the inside out, you won’t be able to appreciate the beauty and bond of physical intimacy in marriage. Believe it or not, you might subconsciously put up a barrier between you and your spouse which hinders the oneness between a man and wife.

Dr. Tim Alan Garner, a licensed counselor, and ordained minister, reminds us in his book, Sacred Sex, that sex within the confines of marriage – is holy. Holiness is described as something that is set apart by God for God. If sex is holy, our emotional well-being must also be holy if we are to experience physical intimacy as an act of worship to God in our marriage.

Proverbs 19:8 “He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers.”

Jesus Heals the Brokenhearted

Looking back, it’s fitting that my counseling session was on my wedding anniversary. My inner-healing changed my marriage!

I sat in the counseling office waiting to be called. It wasn’t just any counseling office. I went to a Biblical counseling office. I shared with my counselor what I was dealing with and she instantly share Scripture from her memory as encouragement. We opened our Bible together and we walked through God’s Word. She gave me a journal and Scripture to memorize on a regular basis.

God’s heals!

I started to recite God’s Word.

In Reclaiming Surrendered Ground by Jim Logan he says; “A stronghold is a mindset impregnated with hopelessness…”

In other words, Satan wants you to believe his lies of hopelessness. In case you need a reminder; Satan is a liar living in the pits of hell!

God cares about your emotional well-being. 

Family is the foundation of salvation.

Don’t be afraid to let Jesus Christ heal you. Don’t be afraid to go to Biblical counseling. 

My marriage changed when our physical intimacy became an act of worship to God. It became an act of worship to God when I dealt with my emotions and allowed Jesus Christ to heal me.

Our marriage, and family life changed into a Christ-centered godly home honoring God.

Let God do the same for you!

-Saleama A. Ruvalcaba, MATS


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